Hey there! BoyFriends is a brand new video podcast all about helping you find your circle and your man. We dive into the discussions about what stops many of us from achieving the goal of finding friends and relationships. It’s hosted by me, Jarrod D. King, as well as Tony Purnell, Renee Vanessa, Melvin Foreman, and Sarun Chan. Here’s our latest episode:
Have you ever felt sad about being single? On episode 3 of the Boyfriends Podcast, the hosts discussed why we tend to feel sad about being single and what to do about it. Jarrod (@jarroddking) and Renee (@renee_vanessa) both shared similar romantic views and experiences, while Melvin (@melvin_foreman) and Sarun (@sarun.nuras) had entirely different experiences and advice.
However, the hosts all came to the same conclusion: it’s okay to be single. It’s understandable to be upset about being single and dating can be really hard in this day and age. When it comes down to it, most people aren’t sad about being single or not having someone; it is often a self-conscious issue.
People ask themselves “Why am I single?” or “Is there something wrong with me?” or “Am I just not attractive or loveable?” It’s important to always keep in mind that there’s nothing wrong with you and that it will happen for you––now just might not be this time.
Ditch the Negative Self-talk
Both Jarrod and Renee have never been in real relationships and have been more or less single throughout their lives. While both struggled with negative self-talk, they also know that being single doesn’t define them and that their person is out there. With their experiences, their best advice was to not blame yourself for a lack of romantic relationships.
Find Someone Temporary
Melvin, on the other hand, never felt down about being single. Not necessarily because he was never not single for very long, but because he had confidence in knowing he’d find someone else again. His advice was to find a man you find attractive and want to get to know and just give it a try––even if you know it won’t work out. This could give you that dating experience and make you feel less down about being single.
The hosts then touched on the point of not always looking for “Mr. Right”, but maybe start looking for “Mr. Right Now”. Dating doesn’t always have to be a serious relationship or have a set future in mind. When dating Mr. Right now, get to know them and have fun. Eventually, if it’s meant to be, the “Now” will eventually fade away and you’ll be left with your Mr. Right.
Give Yourself a Distraction
For Sarun, he tends to distract himself with work so any feelings of sadness over being single come in spurts. His strategy is with the more stuff you have going on, the less you’ll think about being single. Distracting yourself with work, hobbies, and special projects can be a great way to forget about being single. This is also a nice way to shift your focus on yourself and bettering who you are as a person.
It’s Okay to Not Want to Be Single
A lot of your friends will tend to give the advice of “You need to love yourself before you can start dating” or “it’s okay to not have a boyfriend, it’s not that important”. But that advice never actually makes us feel better, does it? It’s okay to want to be in a relationship and no longer be single, as long as you’re wanting it for the right reasons.
If you’re wanting to date someone for any type of validation, then you are not dating for the right reasons and that relationship is doomed from the start.
Say it with me, “It’s okay to be single.” Yes, your feelings are valid in being upset over not having a boyfriend, but shifting your focus can definitely help with no longer feeling sad about it. Lean on your friends because they can be your soulmates too. Obviously, they’re not the romantic relationship that you are looking for, but friendships are a type of relationship nonetheless.
Live in the moment and don’t let being single completely define you or bring you down.
For more advice on being sad about being single and to hear what else the hosts had to say about it, be sure to listen to episode 3 of the Boyfriends Podcast.
This week, the Boyfriends Podcast discussed a tough topic: letting someone down easily. The thought of telling someone how you feel can be intimidating, especially if those feelings are leaning more towards negative and could potentially hurt their feelings. Because of this, many men, like one of our hosts Melvin (@melvin_foreman), tend to ghost the person in hope of avoiding the exchange altogether.
First Things First: Never Ghost
Ghosting, as Renee (@renee_vanessa) points out from personal experience, is never the answer. Whether you talk to them with upfront honesty or ghost them, it is still a rejection. However, ghosting leaves things open-ended while being honest about how you feel about them lets them know that things are really over between you two.
Is It Ever Okay to Ghost?
The instances where ghosting is acceptable, like Sarun (@sarun.nuras) brought up, is usually on dating apps. If the connection or conversation isn’t there, then it’s okay to unmatch and never answer them again. There hasn’t been too much of an initial connection established yet.
Outside of dating apps, it all comes down to circumstance and even safety at times. But 9/10 times the rejection must be given first before completely cutting off communication.
While being honest can be scary given that there could be crazy retaliation from the other person and it might not end on mutual terms, it’s important to at least make the effort. If they take it badly, essentially that’s on them and not you.
Don’t Keep the Door Open
Tony (@psychbul) brought up the excellent point that when it comes to rejection, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. When you let someone down, don’t expect them to treat you the same as they would when they thought you were into them. If you stop getting the invites to the parties, the late-night texts, or even if they move on to someone else rather quickly, it’s no longer any of your business. Making it your business opens up that door again and you’re going to be giving them mixed signals, which will put you right back where you started.
The hosts all have experience in giving and getting rejection, and they all came to the same conclusion: Be kind and honest with the rejection, but how they accept that rejection is going to be on them. It can be over text, phone, or in-person––whatever makes you the most comfortable with the situation, but the conversion needs to happen. Jarrod (@jarroddking) brought up a really good point that rejection is the risk that comes with dating and everyone should go in acknowledging this risk.
If you want to hear more about the hosts’ stories of rejection and more detailed advice on letting someone down, don’t forget to check out episode 2 of the podcast!
On the first episode of the Boyfriends Podcast, the group discussed talking outside of your clique and meeting new people. As you get older, for some people, it can start to seem more and more difficult to make new friends. Everyone has their own established clique and it can be intimidating to approach them or even to break away from your own.
Whether this is while you’re out at the bar, club, work, or any other social setting, this episode takes a deep dive into why that is and what you can do about it. Here are the main takeaways:
Sticking With Your Circle
At the start of the episode, Melvin (Insta: @melvin_foreman) admitted that he can often be the person to not want to break away from his clique. It’s quite easy to get comfortable within our own group of friends, but this leads to not being open to new friendships. As Renee (Insta: @renee_vanessa) brought up, your close group of friends can be your security blanket.
Staying in the same clique or circle is what’s easiest and most comfortable and it can be hard to know if someone matches your vibe or energy.
The Beauty of Being Social and Vulnerable
Tony (Insta: @psychbul) is the complete opposite in situations and discusses the beauty of being vulnerable enough to work a room and meet new people. It’s beneficial to look at social settings as an opportunity to meet new people and keep yourself open.
This vulnerability does obviously come with the risk of possibly being shot down by a clique, but that’s okay! There is a chance that the people you look to talk to don’t want to talk back, but don’t let this discourage you from meeting another person.
They Don’t Have to Be Your Best Friend
When you’re out and looking to make new friends, don’t go in expecting them to be your friend for life. Sarun (Insta: @sarun.nuras), has a very specific definition of friendship. While he is a social guy, when it comes to groups, he doesn’t think of everyone as his friends. While forming fast bonds with people in fleeting moments on the dance floor or doing shots at the bar is likely, having that person be your friend for life is not.
A story Jarrod (Insta: @jarroddking) shared in this episode is a perfect example of this phenomenon. While out, he met a group of girls that he really vibed with. They had intriguing conversations, inside jokes, and were even planning a trip together. Cut to when they move on to the next bar, the girls are nowhere to be found and Jarrod never saw them again. Shocking? Yes. All that surprising? No.
True, you’ll never know who your lifetime friend will be at that moment, but it’s important to not go in thinking that it is going to happen every time you try to make a new friend in social settings. If it leads to more, then that’s. If not, shake it off and move on to the next one.
The Energy You Give is the Energy You Get
With all that being said, where did our thoughts finally fall on the topic of cliques and meeting new people? By the end of the podcast, we all came to the agreement that it’s important to be open and vulnerable enough to go talk to a new person or group of friends, but to set your expectations accordingly. Tony said it best, “When you project a certain amount of energy off, there’s going to be a certain amount of energy back to you.”
If you go up to someone and they aren’t matching your energy, move on and don’t take it personally.
Melvin posed the question, “Do we put it on the person trying to be a part of the clique or the clique for not being as welcoming?” As Renee answered, it’s a bit of yin and yang. You have to be open to meeting new people and open to accepting a new person in the clique. In both instances, give someone a chance, because you don’t know how well you’ll vibe or get along unless you try.
For a deeper dive and to hear more on the Boyfriends’ opinion on the subject, don’t forget to listen to the podcast!