Whether you’re alone at the bar or hanging out with your friends, you can’t help but scan the room for a potential match. If you’re single, although many won’t admit it, it’s hard not to wonder if that certain someone is there. When the search is over and you find a few that caught your eye, you feel a bit discouraged that none of them have come to approach you. You ask yourself, “Am I not good looking enough?” “Should I go up to them first?” “Do I seem approachable?”
On this episode of the Boyfriends Podcast, our hosts Jarrod (@jarroddking), Melvin (@melvin_foreman), Tony (@tonypurnelllightworker), and Renee (@renee_vanessa) discuss the age-old question burning in most single people’s minds: “Why doesn’t anyone approach me?”
At the start of the conversation, Melvin pointed out that the person you want to approach you may be worrying about the same thing. Approaching anyone you find attractive can be a bit daunting. Not knowing how they will react, whether they’re into you too, or if you’ll be rejected. Fear of rejection can keep us from being the approacher.
As the one seeking to be approached, Renee pointed out that most of the time, you’re more likely to be approached if you are being yourself and not trying so hard to be noticed by someone.
Tony chimed into the conversation knowing that he never worries about getting approached because he does the approaching very willingly. With the amount of confidence Tony holds as he meets new people, he finds it easier to meet men he’s interested in or even just using it as an opportunity to have a good time.
When it comes to doing the approaching, Jarrod’s advice is to make an initial connection and find your natural opening. This can help alleviate the pressure to come up with an extravagant pickup line and allows for a more friendly approach rather than making it instantly romantic.
A very good point Melvin brought to the table is if you actually look approachable. This brought to the table a conversation on how black people are often told they look standoffish or angry. Although we are seeking to be approached, we might not look like it. “Resting bitch face” can put up a wall between you and the rest of the world without even trying. While sometimes it’s something we can’t control and just the biased perceptions of others, it is also something to consider when wondering why people aren’t approaching you.
Jarrod has some experience with this when he is out in public gatherings. Although he is fun, energetic, and always ready to have a good time, the other hosts pointed out that sometimes he doesn’t come off that way. He also acknowledges that his resting face can be perceived much differently than what he is actually feeling.
Like we mentioned before, you’re sometimes more likely to be approached when you’re being yourself. Not thinking about it can make you more appealing. When you’re putting too much thought into it, giving them that longing stare from across the room, and then adding in some flirty body language, that can put too much pressure on the situation.
There could be a ton of reasons why you don’t look approachable. Most people have just the same fear of rejection that keeps them from coming up to people. When you’re with a group of friends, it can be even scarier to approach you. Jarrod and Tony also brought up how people within the gay community are much more inclined to stay with their cliques and not venture elsewhere in a public gathering like the bar or a club.
If you want to look more approachable, then don’t put so much thought into it. Melvin pointed out that he is more likely to approach someone that is having fun and just being themselves.
When you’re by yourself at a bar and you’re looking to be approached, Renee’s advice is to start a conversation with the bartender. The bartender can be an easy medium for others around you to join in on the conversation and makes you seem much more approachable than if you were sitting by yourself just looking around doing nothing.
All of the hosts agreed that how you carry yourself can have a major effect on how approachable you look. While you don’t have to be a fashion icon or completely polished head to toe, it’s important to look at least presentable. Holes in your shirt and dirt all over your pants is a silent signal to those around you that you’re not willing to take care of yourself. Of course looks aren’t everything, but it’s much more appealing to see someone that looks presentable rather than an unkempt person.
Sometimes, as Melvin said in this episode, you’re going to have to do the approaching. While rejection can happen, you’re not going to get very far by not talking to anyone.
To hear more from the hosts on being approachable, their trial and errors on the subject, and even the cultural implications of it, be sure to watch or listen to episode 5 of the Boyfriends Podcast.